But having said the latter, I can’t help but think about a few gender specific thoughts that I know are still important for my daughter(s) to learn. I hope to be able to influence them while steering clear of any indoctrination so as to let her discover experiences on her own. I really want to facilitate versus dictate.
In no particular order here is a little ‘Code’ that I believe all females, (at least in our Weiland household) need to heed and try to abide by.
#1. Discuss ideas, hopes, books - not other women.
Some people and some women are especially horrible for this. Sadly, I’m occasionally guilty of it too. It’s so easy to fall into the predictable old hum-drum of ‘Can you believe what she did? Can you imagine wearing that dress out? I can’t even begin to talk about how messed up that family is’. Even something subtle like ‘She’s very… (snicker)…interesting’. It’s gossip and it’s awful. When I notice I’m in a circle where it’s starting to erupt, I ask others questions about their life, their day, their job - anything to get off the topic because I just feel rotten afterwards. It’s not cool.
#2. Let personality attract you, not looks.
This one is hard for females and males alike. But what I hope to relay is that if you can remember that there is so much more substance on the inside you will be a million times happier with those that you have chosen to surround you. If you can find someone who both physically attracts you AND makes you feel 100% - you scoop that person up asap and never let them go.
#3. Females are often mean to one another - consider their position, their history and then let it go.
A really small and funny example of this would be the world of social media. Be honest, have you ever not ‘liked’ a beautiful or intriguing picture simply because it was posted by a particular person? I saw a fabulous quote - “Don’t worry about what I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing”. HELLO! YES! Don’t we want to support one another? We are not in a big competition to see who can get the most likes on a picture. It’s not worth it! In fact, just remember that it takes MORE energy to ignore someone. I will tell my daughters, you have much MUCH better things to do with your time.
#4. Mind your manners
It’s frustrating to hold open a door for a complete stranger and not get a thank you in return. Or seem to always be the friend that is trying to make the plans for a get-together. Or the girl that always seems to take unwarranted suggestions about child rearing, or what to do with your life. But it’s worse to let loose on a stranger, or passive aggressively confront a friend, or spaz out at whoever about how your life is none of their buisness. Why? Because you are resorting to a level of carelessness that did not exist in the first place. As hard as it is to let it slide off your back, you must pick your battles.
#5. REALLY mind your manners
It’s a dying art. The dinner table code of ethics. Wait until everyone is seated to start eating. Don’t crumple your napkin in the middle of your plate when you’re done. Wait until everyone is finished eating before you leave. Excuse yourself if you must use the restroom in the middle of dinner. DO NOT blow your nose at the table. DO NOT apply makeup in public. DO NOT take your shoes off at the end of the wedding because they hurt and you want to dance. DO NOT gossip about other people. Their appearance, choice in clothes, choice in men, choice in anything. Just don’t. Scarlet is going to hear it time and time again: Hold the door open for others, be courteous on the road, work to make others feel important and loved, be your best you while staying mindful of how you are affecting others around you.
#6. We don’t discriminate.
This goes for the boys too - the colour of someone’s skin is just the start. Religion, demographics, weight, and sexual preference are also some of the qualities that make someone different and unique and they are to be respected. Respect and acknowledge all - equally.
#7. Make it your duty to ask others about their life and genuinely have an interest in their answers.
I love this one. It can be so easy with some and so so so difficult with others. I knew a girl (bless her heart) that it was literally a job to be around her. It was ALWAYS about her. I’m this, I’m that, this is happening with me, I’m going through that. EXHAUSTING. I felt like I had run a marathon after getting together with her because it seemed like she was draining energy from me to continue existing. What I have learned though, is that girl actually needed to release onto someone else - she told me so. She also said that I was the only one that ever took the time to listen to her without brushing her off and that meant the world to her. She said that she knew that this was a problem with her and that she was working on it, but that my willingness to listen was everything. I’ll never forget that.
#8. Remember that love is different from infatuation.
Tricky. Both are intense. Both are feelings. Both are wildly exciting…in the beginning. What I hope to tell my daughter(s) is that you may find yourself in infatuation if you find you can not make rational evaluations of what is going on to you and around you. You will find yourself in love when you have a deep rooted affection for the other person and are able to communicate and negotiate with your partner in a rash and reasonable manner. Also, if you’re under 24 or 25 - your brain has not yet fully developed (isn’t this a shockingly weird fact?). Wait to do ANYTHING huge until after this birthday ;)
According to recent findings, the human brain does not reach full maturity until at least the mid-20s. (See J. Giedd in References.) The specific changes that follow young adulthood are not yet well studied, but it is known that they involve increased myelination and continued adding and pruning of neurons. As a number of researchers have put it, "the rental car companies have it right." The brain isn't fully mature at 16, when we are allowed to drive, or at 18, when we are allowed to vote, or at 21, when we are allowed to drink, but closer to 25, when we are allowed to rent a car.
(http://hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/youngadult/brain.html)
#9. The way you make others feel when they are around you says volumes about you.
Yup
#10. Education is the single most important tool in your life. Don’t ever stop learning.
Remember that for some females around the world they are not even allowed to sit in a classroom. Many had to fight for the right to become educated up to a jr. high level (if that). Some will never read a book. You are one of the luckiest groups of females on this planet to be given not only the right but possible FUNDING from the government through scholarships to continue onto post-secondary! Respect and utilize this huge gift. Enough said.
#11. Stand up for what you believe in - even when everyone else is going the other way.
Whether it’s a small example of injustice in your classroom, or you feel someone is being treated unfairly by an adult, speak up and do so with regard to all involved. Respect, tone, tact, timing all need to be considered before anything is said; but know you can stand up for what you believe in if you use your brain.
#12. Know your stuff.
If you’re going to open your mouth in any sort of enlightening conversation, know your stuff. If you don’t, know it for next time.
#13. Don’t be a follower
Create your own style, your own likes and dislikes, your own sense of self. You are so special, it would be criminal to diminish that by following and copying somebody else and their ideas. Find yourself and FLY CHILD!
#14. Stay classy
What does this mean to me? It’s remembering that your body is not an open book, from crossing your legs or ankles while in a skirt, from your behaviour at a party, to being intimate with a partner that you have exchanged more than just a date or a few drinks with. There is a broad spectrum to this one - but common sense should be able to help you out if you find yourself wondering ‘is this staying classy?’ If you have to ask, you may already have your answer. Nobody is perfect, but we can always aim to be our best ‘selves’.
#15. Anything that a man can do, you can do as well.
This is not meant to be a feminist revolutionary thought and it’s not meant to bash males in any form. It’s plain and simple. Our expectations of ourselves as females have dropped and in my opinion have been dropping from an early stage in our lives. I’m not good at math, guys are better. I can’t pick that up, it’s too heavy. I don’t want to push myself too hard, I've got my period. WRONG! You are WAY stronger than you think you are. Your limitations are learned and self-inflicted. Let those go and believe in yourself.
#16. Your monthly visit from Aunt Flo down from Red River is not an excuse to be rude.
Attitude needs to stay in check during this time. When a slip up does occur, apologize and offer immediate forgiveness. Others will notice and do the same for you. This rule also applies (unfortunately) when you are pregnant. Nobody should be used as a personal punching bag just because your hormones are raging.
#17. Resist the urge to let self-doubt creep in.
Especially during your secondary school years. This can be a hard time for many girls, but resist that urge and find your confidence.
#18. Do NOT use your tears as a mechanism to get what you want.
I personally HATE it when I see women (yes fully grown women) do this. It’s so obvious and fake and it makes me sick when it happens. I have to try with all of my might to steer clear of letting this happen because it’s not fair to the person you’re speaking with, the situation at hand or to yourself - the end result will be completely skewed because whoever is on the opposite side will without a doubt crumble. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together. Obviously everyone is allowed a few tears, but the full on ‘act’ that many girls play up needs to stop asap.
#19. Cursing lowers your I.Q and/or the appearance of intelligence.
If you have little to begin with stop swearing immediately. Although it can be totally fun and even a sense of release now and then, if you are constantly throwing around f-this and f-that, what’s up bitches, oh shit, it’s just for lack of an intelligent word to express what you’re feeling. One of my students told me that every year, his family had a ‘Swear Dinner’ where they would sit down and have a regular dinner however they had to swear in every single one of their sentences. He said at first it was super fun and totally hilarious and then it just got boring and old. They weren’t allowed to swear for the rest of the year until the next swear dinner. I thought this was an interesting concept.
#20. Make time for yourself regardless of how old you are.
I remember when I was about seven or eight walking through the woods on a bright sunny day at Camp all by myself and loving every solitary second. Take time, an hour, a full day if you can, a few minutes to be alone (WITHOUT YOUR PHONE) so you can hear your thoughts and your conscience. It will tell you so many important things that you may miss if you block it out. Trust it and your gut and you'll make the right choices.
I remember when I was about seven or eight walking through the woods on a bright sunny day at Camp all by myself and loving every solitary second. Take time, an hour, a full day if you can, a few minutes to be alone (WITHOUT YOUR PHONE) so you can hear your thoughts and your conscience. It will tell you so many important things that you may miss if you block it out. Trust it and your gut and you'll make the right choices.
When asking Nate his top three he thought long and hard about it. When I pestered him again (haha) he responded with the following three. I don’t want to speak for him so I’ll just give you them, but he and I discussed our thoughts for a long time and it made for a wicked conversation between the two of us. Here they are!
#1. Don’t trust individuals too quickly
#2. Don’t be impulsive
#3. Don’t just give it away.
He wanted to be very clear about this one, he talked for a good chunk of time about it and it was very cute. He said he didn’t want people to think that he meant that the female had to be ‘paid’ or given a gift of any sort for doing something but that she should consider that she is so special and in control of what others ‘get’ from her whether it’s a first kiss or a conversation over the phone. Her time, energy, existence is precious and valuable and therefore should be treated as such.
The above were just some of the few that came to me while writing this post. I know that there are probably a ton of other ‘better’ ones and if you feel like they should be mentioned please feel free to add them in the comment area. Anywho, it was fun to brainstorm and think about the future teachings that these Weiland kids are going to get - especially the girls (if this next babe is another little girl). If we are blessed with a boy, it will be neat to think about these for him too!
XOXO
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